Miss Manners: Seat-swap request garners sympathy – to a point

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I took a 15-hour overseas flight that began around midnight. I sat by a window, and both seats next to me (the middle seat and the aisle seat) happened to remain unoccupied. The cabin lights dimmed after the meal, and everyone began settling in to sleep.

At that point, a somewhat older lady (maybe aged 60), who was seated across the aisle in the center section, came and sat in the empty aisle seat in my row. She leaned over to me and quite humbly asked a question in broken English. After multiple repeats, she finally confirmed that she was asking to take my window seat and suggesting that I either take her seat in the center section or sit in one of the two empty seats in my row.

She indicated that she has a neck issue, and presumably wanted the window seat so she could rest her head against the wall, as I was planning to do. I told her I would prefer to keep our assigned seats, and I had hardly finished saying this when she nodded vigorously and seemed very embarrassed to have even asked.

However, I began to doubt my decision. In the morning light, I noted that she was older than I first estimated, maybe 70 or so. I am a healthy male in my 40s.

I was torn between guilt and irritation. I paid slightly extra for the window seat because I prefer it, especially if I’ll be sleeping. I also don’t like switching around seating.

But maybe for this older woman, the polite thing would have been to give up my seat. What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: That this exchange was conducted calmly on both sides is a relief to Miss Manners. We have all read about such cases turning into midair scuffles and worse.

No, you need not give up the seat you bought. People with economy tickets do not ask people in business class to trade seats, and people in business class do not ask that of those in first class.

And yet … Being sympathetic is an important virtue. You felt that.

If you could have made a small sacrifice to accommodate another passenger, it might have been worth it. But an uncomfortable night on a 15-hour flight may not be considered a small sacrifice.

So you acted reasonably. But now Miss Manners wonders whether you could have suggested that the lady take the aisle seat, recline it slightly (with permission from the person behind) and then lean against the empty middle seat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that the weather is warm, my wonderful neighbor is outside more often. I had not seen her without a winter coat for quite a while, and it turns out she has lost a significant amount of weight.

I think it is great – good for her. I would be nothing but supportive if she mentioned this to me. But if she doesn’t, what do I say when I see her? Maybe just, “Wow, you look great”?

She looks very different. It seems weird to act like I don’t notice when the change is so dramatic.

GENTLE READER: You say “Hello.” What Miss Manners considers weird is the notion that it is callous not to critique people’s bodies.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.